


I Feel Better Now

by MaddietheMuse



Category: Shameless (TV), Shameless (US)
Genre: Angst, Closure, Commentary, Conflict, Declarations Of Love, Explicit Language, M/M, Not Beta Read, Not Happy, Pain, Podfic Welcome, Spoilers, episode: S03E09 response
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-03-21
Updated: 2013-03-21
Packaged: 2017-12-05 23:56:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,844
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/729346
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MaddietheMuse/pseuds/MaddietheMuse
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The fall-out of the S03E09 conflict between Ian and Mickey. Mickey's POV.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Feel Better Now

**Author's Note:**

> A response/wishlist/prediction/bandage (what have you) to the conflict between Ian and Mickey in S03E09. I couldn't wait a week to see what happens, I needed something else in my head.

"I feel better now!" I called out as I turned my back on him. I drank the rest of the whiskey in the flask and threw the bottle over my shoulder. I had to get the fuck out of there before I lost the little bit of control I still had left.

I concentrated on walking, keeping my head pointed forward. I tried to block out the sound of his gasping breaths and the struggle in the gravel as he hauled himself to his feet. I knew if I turned around we would both be fucked. I had to keep going.

I turned the corner when I cleared the edge of the abandoned building and picked up my pace now that I was out of his line of sight. I made it around the corner of the block to the alley before falling to my knees and puking up my guts.

So much for the buzz I was hoping to get to numb this fucking misery.

His words kept replaying over and over again in my head.

_You love me and your gay._

Hearing him say I was gay wasn't a shock—we'd been fucking for over two years now, so that much was pretty fucking obvious. I guess the other part, the part about me loving him, that wasn't much of a shock either. I knew I loved him—Hell, I had even suspected that he knew it too—but he wasn't supposed to fucking say it. How was I supposed to walk away when he was saying shit like that?

At least he hadn't said he loved me. I wouldn't have been able to do what needed to be done if he had. I needed to make him see that this was done. That I couldn't be fucking seen with him again. His fucking life depended on that. If my old man caught us anywhere near each other again, Ian Gallagher was a dead man. I couldn't have that on my head. I would rather have him fucking hate me than have him dead because of me.

This way was better.

This way he would go off to fucking West Point or where the fuck ever and live his fucking life. **Live**. That was the most important part. I'm a selfish fucker, everyone knows it, but I couldn't even try to keep him—the risk was just too fucking high.

My stomach heaved again, and I put my hand on the brick wall in front of me to steady myself. I had to get my shit together before I went back to the house. The old fucker was watching me like a hawk, and I had to play it cool. I couldn't let him, or Iggy or Joey, see me acting like a fucking pussy. I was surprise he hadn't had one of them follow me everywhere I went. I suppose agreeing to marry the whore when it first came up afforded me a little bit of trust. I couldn't bank on that though.

I wiped my mouth with the sleeve of my sweater and pushed off the wall to my feet. Fire crotch would be safe from the old man now. That's what was important—that's what I would have to focus on. Not like he'd ever fucking talk to me now anyway.

 

 

 

 _____

 

I lay awake that night staring at the shadows on the ceiling as cars drove by on the street. I couldn't get the image of his fucking face out of my head. How could I have done that to him? I knew I had to be brutal to get him to fuck off, but Jesus, I hope I hadn't broken his jaw. My heart pounded, and I felt like I couldn't breathe. It felt like I was having a fucking heart attack. I needed to get out of there. Mandy stopped me at the door on my way out.

"Where you going, fuck face? Dad'll shit if you're not here when he wakes up," her wide eyes pleaded with me. She didn't know everything that was going on, but she knew enough to know that he was serious when he said he would fucking kill me if I didn't do what he said. I don't know what the fuck she was doing there anyway, she'd been spending all her time with Lip lately.

"I'm just going for a walk. I need some fucking air. I'll be back," I leveled her with a look that asked her to just drop it, and brushed past her. "If anyone asks, I went to get smokes."

I walked.

I walked past the building that we'd set up the training course on, the same one he'd found me at earlier that day. The same one I'd beaten the shit out of him at. I turned at the corner and headed in a different direction, winding up walking past the baseball field at the school, and the fucking dugout that we'd spent so much time in. I changed course again, and continued walking. The whole fucking neighborhood reminded me of him. He'd made a mark on the whole fucking Southside, and I was going to have to live with it somehow. I kept walking, only stopping when I came to the El platform that ran near the Gallagher house. Funny that the house he fucking lived in didn't have any memories of him for me. I'd only ever been there once, and the memories I did have of the place were fuzzy at best since I'd been dealing with the bullet in my ass at the time.I did know which one was theirs, but I'd never set foot inside apart from that one time. I even knew which window was his—fucking pathetic. It was dark. All the windows were. Everyone must have been asleep.

I sat on the ground and leaned against one of the El track columns out of view from the road, but where I could see the upstairs window at the front of the house. I wondered if he was in there; if he'd made it home okay. I wondered again if I'd broken his jaw. I sure as hell hoped I hadn't caused any permanent damage. It would be a shame to mark up that pretty mug of his. Fuck.

I froze and sat up straight as the front door of the house opened. Lip stepped out, closed the door behind him and sat on the steps. He lit a cigarette and blew the smoke out in a cloud above him.

Before I knew what I was doing, I was on my feet and headed toward him.

 

 

 

_____

 

"You do that to him?" he asked me before I even reached the walkway leading up to their house. At least I knew he'd made it home.

I nodded and thumbed my lip, suddenly nervous about what he'd say to me. I shouldn't be there. I knew that. I shouldn't be anywhere near any of the Gallaghers.

"Is he...alright?" I mumbled. I couldn't bring myself to even look at Lip.

"Don't know. He won't let anyone in there; won't talk to any of us." He shrugged and took a long draw on his cigarette.  "Carl and Liam are in my room for the night. I'm on the couch. You really did a number on him this time, Milkovich."

I had to fucking see him. My legs carried me up the steps and past Lip, walking on autopilot. He didn't make a move to stop me, or say a single word to me, but I knew he'd follow me in, ready to haul me off if I went after his brother again. Say what you want about the Gallaghers, but family is the most important thing to the lot of them—I'll never understand that about them. It didn't really matter though, I'd always sort of known that Ian would have told Lip about us eventually; it was like they were one person in two bodies with how close they were. It was fucking weird if you ask me.

I walked through the front door and climbed the stairs. Sure enough, Lip was right on my tail. I turned at the top of the stairs and raised my eyebrows at him while pointing at the door I thought to be their room. He nodded. I took a breath before turning the knob and cracking the door open.

"Go away," the huddled form on the bed closest to the door mumbled. My stomach flipped. I pushed the door open a little further and stepped into the room, leaning against the door frame with my shoulder.

"Gallagher," I had to take another breath before I could say anything else. It felt like my lungs were going to explode, I must have been holding my breath without noticing it.

He rolled partially onto his back and lifted his head to look in my direction. The room was dark, but I could just see his face with the light from the street lights coming through the window. He just stared at me a minute, then turned back to the face the wall. "Fuck off, Mickey. I've got nothing to say to you."

"Then just listen," I said quietly. I didn't know what I was going to say to him—I didn't have a plan—but I couldn't leave him like that. I had to make him see that this was for the best, or figure another way around the mess we were in. He didn't respond. He didn't even move.

I took another steadying breath and walked the couple of step across the room and sat at the foot of his bed. I could see Lip take my place in the doorway in my peripheral. After a long quiet moment where none of us said anything, Ian rolled onto his back and sat up against the wall. He propped his forearms on his raised knees and kept his head down, refusing to make eye contact with me.

"Give us a minute?" he asked Lip without raising his head.

"Yup," he agreed, but gave me a warning look that said he wouldn't be far. I nodded. I'd already caused more damage than I could stomach. He left the door open and we heard him walk part way down the stairs where he must have sat to wait in case of trouble.

"You okay?" I asked finally

He scoffed. It was a fitting answer to my stupid question; of course he wasn't fucking ok. "That all you came to say? Because I think you know the fucking answer to that, Mick."

"No. I...I'm sorry. I..." The words caught in my throat. I could only just make out his face in the dark, and he still hadn't looked at me, so I still didn't know how much damage I had caused. I reached my hand out to lift his chin, but he batted it away and turned his face away. "Look at me." I waited. "Please."

Finally, he raised his face to mine, his eye burning with anger and hurt. I'd done that to him. Fuck. The dark shadow of bruising was visible even in the dark, and the whole right side of his face was swollen.

"Anything broken?" 

He shook his head. That was a bit of a relief since I had kicked him pretty hard.

"Fuck. I'm sorry," I breathed, completely overwhelmed. He looked so hurt and distant that I wasn't sure how I could even begin to make this right. "I'm totally fucked up, you know that. It don't excuse what I did. I know that. I just...I..."

"It doesn't matter, Mickey. You made your point," he huffed and let his head hang again, defeated.

"What you said? You were right, you know." I spoke into my lap, not able to look at him as I admitted the most vulnerable thing I had ever said out loud. "I do...love you." I gulped air, trying to calm my shaking nerves. I don't know how telling him something he clearly already knows was so fucking hard, but it was nearly fucking impossible to get the words out.

"Yeah, well, you've got a funny way of showing it," he laughed humourlessly, the sound cutting through me.

"I tried to get you to leave before, but you're a stubborn asshole, you know that? Jesus, Gallagher, my old man said if he ever saw me talking you again he'd kill you and make me watch. I don't doubt for a second that he'd do it neither. So what the fuck do you expect me to do, huh?" At some point I had turned to face him.

"What are you doing here now then?" his words cut like a hot knife.

"I didn't mean to come here, it just sort of happened. I needed to see you. Make sure you're okay, I guess," I let me words trail off, knowing that there was nothing I could really say to make things better.

"Sure, I'm fucking peachy," he snapped.

"I'm sorry. I know that don't make it better, but I am. I lost it back there. I panicked, and I took it out on you. It was a shitty fucking thing to do, and I'm so fucking sorry. I just...I..."

"But you're still going to marry her and pretend that the last two years didn't happen though, right? Nothing's really changed, has it?" he barked, his eyes burning holes into me now as he stared at me waiting for an answer.

I hadn't thought this through. I didn't have another plan, but I couldn't go through with that. Not now.

"I could leave. Just go somewhere...." I don't know why I hadn't thought of that before. I was resourceful. I could just fucking pull up roots and take off. I could send for Mandy once I found somewhere...or really, she was spending her time here with Lip mostly, so she was safe. "You could come with me," I suggested, risking a look up at him. The idea of it gave me hope.

"Right," he scoffed again.

"Seriously. We could go tonight. I've got a little money. We could take the El to the train station and just get a ticket to...fuck, anywhere." I held my breath waiting for him to say something, anything. He just looked at me with his blank hollow eyes though.

"I can't leave, Mickey," he finally said. "I can't just take off. They need me here. This family only works if we're all here pulling our weight. I can't leave them."

Of course. I should have expected that.

"You can't help your family if you're fucking dead either, Gallagher," I grabbed his arm and shook him lightly, forgetting for a second that I had throttled him earlier. He cringed at the motion. I cupped my hand around his neck and held his forehead to mine, not caring how fucking weak it was. I'd already told him everything. I wanted to show him I was serious about this; prove to him that I would choose him over everything if he'd let me.

I leaned forward and let my lips brush his gently, keeping his bruised face in mind. He gasped, and pressing his lips to mine harder, he curled his fingers into the hair at the back of my neck. I fucking missed his touch, even though I hadn't allowed him to touch me all that much.

"Let me go, Mick," he whispered, his voice weak and defeated. He pushed me away. "Do whatever you need to do, Mickey. I don't care. I'm done." he nodded. He let his eye drop again.

"Ian, come with me," I asked again, trying to get him to look back at me.

"You don't get it do you? I'm not your fucking dog. You don't get to treat me like shit and expect me to come running back. I love you but I'm not taking your shit anymore. I'm fucking done, Mickey. Go. Marry your fucking whore. Or leave. I don't care. It doesn't matter to me. I'm done!"  He turned back to the wall and lay down again.

I couldn't believe what I was hearing. I knew I had fucked things up, but I hadn't imagined it would be that bad.

I stood up and left the room, passing Lip on the stairs. I turned to him when I reached the bottom.

"Look out for him?" I didn't mean it to come out as a question. He nodded with wide confused eyes. "And Mandy?"

"Yeah, sure," he agreed.

I turned and walked out of the Gallagher house.

 

 

_____

 

I left that night. Once the words had left my mouth, I knew that's what I had to do. I stopped back at the house to get the money I had stashed, left a note for Mandy, and took off. 

Hopefully everyone would be better off in the long run without me around fucking things up.

 

**Author's Note:**

> I don't own Shameless or anything to do with it. No copyright infringement is intended.
> 
>  
> 
> This addresses the idea of abuse in a very vague way. Despite what either of the characters may think, they are in a relationship and Mickey's actions toward Ian could be seen as abuse. I do NOT condone partner abuse, or abuse in any form, and would never blame the victim. But, I do believe that Ian is not necessarily a victim in this case. He's shown that he can take Mickey down (when Mickey attacked Ned), and that he is able to fight (ROTC training, fighting with Lip in S0), and he didn't fight back. I believe that was a conscious choice on his part. This doesn't make the situation right by any means, however. I didn't write this as a commentary on abuse, but would feel remiss if I didn't address the issue even slightly.
> 
>  ~~Finally, I have an idea for an addition to this story. I'm not sure if it will actually amount to anything so I have left this as a single chapter story at this point. I may add the second part at some point though. Let me know if any of you would be interested in that second part.~~ I just don't have the time or inclination to do a second part right now, sorry.
> 
>  
> 
> I'm on [tumblr](http://wordsnwolves.tumblr.com/)


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